The staff of Mother Jones is, once again, rounding up the heroes and monsters of the past year. This is a non-exhaustive and totally subjective list, giving our reporters a chance to write about something that brought joy, discontent, or curiosity. Happy holidays.
Get in, losers, we’re going grocery shopping. And we’re headed for everything but the perimeter of the supermarket. Past the righteous bundles of Swiss chard, the grim towers of beets, the piously arranged persimmons in their little foam cradles, we’re charging right into the belly of the beast, RFK Jr.’s personal hellscape, the subject of a new lawsuit in San Francisco, the source of unending maternal guilt, the interior aisles of ultra-processed snacks, cereals, and frozen foods. Come with me as we embark on a tour of only the finest causes of chronic disease. Here is our shopping list:
Fruit Loops: If you really want to troll your MAHA friends, this is your jam. The beautiful food dyes are set to be phased out by the end of 2026, so stock up while you can. A soon-to-be collector’s item!
Carnation Instant Breakfast: Does your kid both love milkshakes and take 11 years to eat breakfast, by which I mean lick the butter off some toast? Do I have the convenience food for you! In a wide assortment of natural—Strawberry Sensation!—make that “natural”, flavors.
Instant ramen: Move over, Guy Fieri, and make way for the real mayor of Flavor Town, monosodium glutamate, the unsung hero of ramen spice packets’ blood-pressure-raising saltiness. I could write a whole other essay about the virtues of MSG. And while we’re on the subject of MAHA bêtes noir, don’t even tempt me to sing the praises of Roundup, which I want to do with every contrarian bone in my body. (But also, Roundup and GMOs really are the reason you can afford food at all these days, I am being so for real right now—just look at my previous work.)
Oat milk: I thought I would throw this one in here like a little grenade. Did you think you were being healthy by enjoying some plant dairy instead of your cherished raw milk? Surprise, it’s ultra-processed!
Frozen potstickers: If you don’t have a bag of these in your freezer, do you even deserve to have a freezer? Really look deep inside your soul and ask yourself this question. Also, don’t you think it’s kind of racist of you not to have food from other cultures in your freezer? Who are you, some kind of “heritage American”?
Frozen saag paneer: See above, freezer groyper. Your frostbitten ground meat from barbecue season just cannot compete.
Lorna Doones: Unleash your inner 85-year-old and indulge in this classic Nabisco treat! If you really want to know what makes this bland baddie sing, it’s unbleached enriched flour, sugar, soybean and/or canola oil, palm oil, corn flour, salt, high fructose corn syrup, baking soda, soy lecithin, cornstarch, and artificial flavor. You’re welcome.
The little yogurts with the yogurt on one side and the sprinkles or cookie crumbs on the other: Ew, just kidding, everyone knows these are disgusting.
Frozen latkes: Do you want your house to smell like a Denny’s for the next year? No? Allow me to recommend not making your Hanukkah latkes from scratch. Another option, but requires more effort, is to take frozen hash browns and mold them into little patties.
Boxed mac and cheese: Look, I’m no nanny state, so I’ll leave it up to you whether you want the neon orange kind or the wan one with the sad little virtue-signaling bunny. But you should know that the main difference is that one is a nostalgic childhood classic, and the other is designed to make you appear to be a better parent.
Once you are done procuring the items on this list, head on over to that pharmacy, where you can fill your Prozac and Ritalin prescriptions, stock up on Tylenol, and of course, get your vaccines while you still can. Like Fruit Loops, soon to be collector’s items.
