Meeting Vlad in Alaska? Anything to stop talking about Epstein

Donald Trump was already apoplectic. Must have been from that continual talk about Ghislaine Maxwell and Jeff Epstein and those pesky files. Gosh, they just won’t go away.

Trump continues to play his usual game, hustling and “trying to get over” like an aging White Super Fly — have you seen him dance? But even those who have loved Trump with the loyalty of a stray canine are now barking in disdain. Nothing he has done has kept his own followers from burning their MAGA hats. They wanted the Epstein files released and they wanted it yesterday. After all, Trump made that promise on the campaign trail.

To Trump, it was just another lie — like the many he’s told women, his children, his staff, Congress and everyone he knows, including that morally repugnant, aging, balding visage upon which he slathers makeup every morning as he stares coldly, like a lizard, into an unforgiving mirror.

There are an extremely low number of prognosticators who can accurately predict the outcome of a WWE match, not knowing the participants or anything about the sport. The same can be said of political pundits and their ability to discern in advance what will unite the American electorate — even if they have years of experience doing it. Not many of us had “Jeffrey Epstein” or “Ghislaine Maxwell” on our bingo cards — to mix metaphors while gilding the lily. Certainly few professional pundits, unless they were buried in Adderall and main-lining caffeine and battery acid, would ever even picture it. But here we are: The one issue upon which a majority of Americans agree.

Attorney General Pam Bondi said she had valuable and salient Epstein information sitting on her desk, but she later recanted when she was apparently told to do so. Trump has changed his story so often he’s confused himself. This has become more frequent as his mental abilities continue to unravel. His biggest wound was, of course, self-inflicted. Responding to a question from a reporter, Trump said that Epstein once “stole” an underage spa worker from Mar-a-Lago. 

That revelation prompted a reaction from MAGA World that has yet to abate. Trump has been howling ever since, as if his father disciplined him. He always hated that. 

He reacted by trying to force a federal judge to release grand jury testimony on Epstein. On Wednesday, for the second time in a week, a judge said NO. In his 14-page opinion, Judge Richard M. Berman said that the only grand jury witness had been a single FBI agent.

Berman noted that although the Justice Department argued there was precedent for unsealing grand jury testimony, there were no “special circumstances” that would justify it — and that the transcript “pales in comparison to the investigation information and materials in the hands of the Department of Justice.”

Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Last week, the judge overseeing Maxwell’s case, Paul A. Engelmayer, ruled that unsealing grand jury materials “casually or promiscuously” would erode confidence in people called to testify before future panels. In his opinion, Engelmayer said the Justice Department’s argument that the grand jury materials would bring to light meaningful new information was “demonstrably false.” Doing so, in fact, “would expose as disingenuous the government’s public explanations for moving to unseal.” 

Lost for ways to deflect from this ongoing fiasco, Trump has tried to wrestle with a variety of meme-worthy issues he hopes will go viral so people will stop talking about Epstein. Rigging elections by eliminating mail-in ballots is his latest hustle. Trump has no authority to do so, but why would he let that stop him? After all, for a few days the news wasn’t about Epstein. If that doesn’t work, then how about gerrymandering? Who cares if the nation burns and every state redraws its district maps so elected officials can choose their voters rather than the other way around? Trump doesn’t care. Just don’t talk about Epstein.

The Texas House led the way Wednesday night, passing a gerrymandering bill that Trump wanted and that is expected to become law. “Big WIN for the Great State of Texas!!!” Trump posted on Truth Social. “Texas never lets us down.”

On Thursday, lawmakers in California passed legislation that immediately counterpunched Texas, adding five “blue” districts to the state. Trump and the GOP immediately accused California of playing politics with elections.

Late Thursday, Trump posted “Missouri is now IN” on Truth Social, indicating the Show Me State will be the next to gerrymander districts in favor of Republicans. Where this ends is anyone’s guess. But it’s not Donny’s problem — as long he can avoid Epstein. Of course, if the president can control Congress, he can avoid Epstein, so that’s a potential win-win. But make no mistake, the country loses when politicians pick their voters instead of voters choosing their representatives.

Still, like an angry orangutan who’s housed in a glass cage at your local zoo, Trump has more feces to smear. He’s also trying to revise history at the Smithsonian to keep us talking and to make him happy. But still, that’s not enough to ease the spreading stain of Epstein. You need some real heavy duty bleach for that.

Then Trump stumbled into the war in Ukraine — again. During the 2024 campaign he said he could end the war on “day one” of his administration. More than 200 days later, with the war still raging, he ratcheted up his involvement by flying to Alaska to meet Russian President Vladimir Putin, a man considered a war criminal who has been barred from entering 125 countries due to an International Criminal Court arrest warrant.

Want more sharp takes on politics? Sign up for our free newsletter, Standing Room Only, written by Amanda Marcotte, now also a weekly show on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

Trump flew to Anchorage expecting to obtain an “immediate ceasefire.” He failed. He also failed to convince Putin to agree to anything, except saying the war would have never started if Trump had been in charge. That notion is even more disingenuous coming from Putin. The war in Ukraine wouldn’t have happened if Trump were president? What kind of moron sells that? What kind of con artist cons the con man into thinking he believes this bile. A real good con man, that’s who. But again, Don, in his diminished mental state, is happy.

Trump rolled out the red carpet, shook Putin’s hand, smiled and gave him effusive praise. “He’s a smart guy. Been doing this a long time, but so have I,” Trump told us. Been doing what? No. Seriously. What? If one sticks to facts, Trump wasn’t talking about making deals, diplomacy, politics or anything resembling public service.

But never mind all that. Trump failed and flew back to Washington and met on Monday in the White House with the head of NATO, along with several European leaders, including Volodymyr Zelenskyy, president of embattled Ukraine. The NATO crew was there to hold Trump’s hand and walk him through an intervention after they caught him overdosing on Putin. That meeting didn’t go so well either.

While Trump tried to spin the failures of both meeting with Putin and essentially holding a NATO Summit in the East Room, the war in Ukraine is ongoing. Putin showed little sign of stopping, and Trump was reduced to telling Zelenskyy that he could stop the war anytime he wanted — by essentially surrendering.

Now Trump has two big problems he doesn’t really want to talk about: Epstein and Ukraine. 

Pep Secretary Karoline Leavitt, as always, adds to the dyspepsia. Her greatest virtue is that she briefs infrequently. If you’re going to be doused in sewage, at least with her you only face it once a week. She’s very adept at not providing information while at the same time proving the adage that there’s a sucker born every minute. How else do you explain her Tuesday claim that Trump has ended seven wars in seven months? Before she briefed, he had claimed to have only ended six wars in six months. But after meeting with Putin and European leaders, the claim expanded.

Perhaps it’s because Trump was caught on a hot mic telling people that he has Putin’s number. “I think he wants to make a deal for me,” Trump said. “Do you understand that? As crazy as it sounds.” 

He clearly misread Putin’s intentions. But Don’s got a big blind spot on this one. He doesn’t want to talk about Epstein, but boy does he want the Nobel Peace Prize. And golly does he love compliments. “That’s the way to Trump’s heart,” former National Security Adviser John Bolton said.

Those who understand the situation are the few professionals left at the Pentagon. No one in the Defense Department — with the exception of the Secretary of Defense — believes you can trust Putin. And they aren’t sold on Trump’s plan of action, though few would risk saying otherwise, even at the best of times. And these aren’t the best of times — no matter what Trump is pushing. 

A close source with more than 30 years of experience in the Defense Department explained: “Why would you trust a man who invaded a country in 2014 and now blames Joe Biden for that? Putin remains our enemy and you can’t make a deal with him.”

The Trump administration pivoted on Wednesday from Ukraine to trying, once again, to make a lasting impression on the White House campus. Late Tuesday, White House pool reporters informed us that the president plans on putting on one big beautiful party in the new Mar-a-Lago North patio that was once Jackie Kennedy’s iconic Rose Garden. When? Stay tuned, and thank you for your attention to the matter.

And according to two sources at the White House, the president is even considering inviting the members of the press to the party.

“Sure he is,” I replied.

“Why wouldn’t he?” I was asked.

I can think of dozens of reasons off the top of my head, and a few of them aren’t punchlines.

But the fact is, if I were at that party, everyone knows I’d be asking things of Trump he doesn’t want to answer. And I wouldn’t be the only one. I want to know about Epstein and Maxwell. I want to know if Trump has lost his mind. He certainly appears to have done so. Please explain how Joe Biden can be responsible for a war started by Vlad “The Impaler” Putin. I want to know how you can avoid the emoluments clause and still make wads of sweaty cash while serving as president.

This would most assuredly get me removed from that party. 

“They are literally the umbrellas from Mar-a-Lago,” Pep Secretary Leavitt said of the yellow and white striped umbrellas on the patio as she gave reporters an impromptu tour of the Garden of Kitsch. “The roses remain untouched,” she added. 

Anything to avoid talking about Epstein. 

I said at one time Trump would start a war to keep us from talking about Epstein, a la “Wag the Dog.” Sitting with the president of Ukraine on Monday, Trump said he might do just that. “During the war you can’t have elections? So, let me just see — three-and-a-half years from now, if we happen to be in a war with somebody, no more elections. That’s good.”

Sure, laugh it off as a joke. But he’s obviously considering it. Abe Lincoln stood for reelection during the Civil War; Trump would like to incite one so he can cancel elections. That thought is rattling around in his near vacuum of a mind, along with other brilliant survival tips to avoid the pending Epstein Apocalypse. 

I asked one of my White House sources if they thought Trump will survive the Epstein scandal.  “I don’t even know why I talk to you,” they said. “If anyone in the office knew I did, I’d probably get fired or worse.”

I took that as a “yes.” 

“Well, I guess we could talk by ‘Signal’ if you feel uncomfortable,” I said.  

“I just said I didn’t want anyone to know…” I was told. Ooooh. A Pete Hegseth joke.

I had to laugh. At least the sense of humor is still there. But the sense of reason has long left many who work for Trump. No sense of irony, hypocrisy or critical thinking is left.

How can there be when you have to pay fealty to a delusional dim-wit with the power of a president? You could ask that of Donald Trump, and he’d probably just smile.

After all, at least you aren’t talking about Epstein or Ukraine.